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10 Tips for Winning at Custody
By: Jean Mahserjian, Fri Dec 2nd, 2005
Winning at Custody is one of the most difficult issues parents
confront in divorce. In many cases, both parents want custody
and are willing to spend whatever it takes to win. Custody is
all about what is best for the children - and that involves
proving that you are the best parent - i.e. that the other
parent is not as good a parent as you and/or that the other
parent is just simply a bad parent.
My recommended tips for winning at custody are:
1. If you are not involved in your children's lives now, you are
not getting custody from a judge. If you are a working parent
who lets your spouse handle all of the details of parenting, you
are not prepared to win at custody. You must either change your
objectives or change your parenting. If you really want custody,
get involved now - in all aspects of your children's lives. Get
involved in your children's schooling. Attend their extra
curricular events. Take them to the doctor and dentist. Get to
know what professionals your children see and be involved with
them?
2. Make sure that you are not exposing your children to unsafe
or unhealthy environments when they are with you. Are you
involved in another relationship? Has there been more than one?
Be very careful about exposing your children to your
companion(s). Many judges, professionals, and other parents
object to the children being subjected to other relationships
too early in that process. More important, if you really want to
win at custody, it should be because you want to spend time with
your children parenting them. Spending time with someone else
when you have the children is a recipe for losing at custody in
court. 3. Do you put down your children's other parent when the
children are with you - either consciously or subconsciously? If
you do, stop. One sure way to lose at custody is to hurt the
children's relationship with the other parent. A judge will
consider whether a parent promotes or prevents the other
parent's access to and relationship with the children when
seeking custody.
4. Winning at custody requires that you keep a calendar for
everything. You need to be able to look back and remember
details when it comes time to litigage custody. If you do not
know when you had the children, what events you attended, where
they were or you were or allof the times your spouse was not
timely for a pick up or drop off, you will only hurt your own
case. You can keep track on your own calendar, with your own
journal, or with a professionally managed calendaring system. We
do provide access to a professional calendaring system for
custody cases on our web site at
http://www.millenniumdivorce.com/custody-planner.asp.
5. Be on time...Be on time....Be on time. Few issues cause as
much conflict as a parent who is persistently late in picking up
or dropping off children. It irks the judges, it creates
arguments with your ex or soon to be ex, and it stresses out the
children. So, Be on time.
6. Be flexible. If the other parent wants to switch weekends or
weekdays, do it if you can manage your schedule. When the time
comes to tell the judge why you should have custody, you can
tell the judge that you are the parent who makes sure that the
schedule works. In a close case, this issue makes a difference.
7. Do not involve your children in the issues that are pending
in court or with attorneys. Courts generally are very opposed to
the children knowing the details of what are essentially adult
issues. Children should be told that both parents love them and
want to see them - that's it. The children may see a
psychologist and/or an attorney or other professional if the
court directs that. The children can talk to those people about
your case - you should not be giving them the details,
especially if giving the details involves denigrating the other
parent.
8. Winning at custody requires considering one other very
important factor: where do the children want to live. It is not
a good idea to coach your children on this issue. They will have
an opportunity to tell what they want to either the court, their
attorney or a psychologist. However, it is a good idea to know
what they want. If they want to live with their other parent,
you should not spend all of your time and money pursuing
custody, unless you believe that it is unsafe or inappopriate
for the children to live with that parent.
9. You do have to be willing to show why your children's other
parent should not have custody. So, you need to keep track of
whether that parent is on time, involved, and flexible with the
schedule. If that parent has any issues that affect custody,
such as a history of mental health issues which impact his or
her ability to care for the children or alcohol or drug
addictions, you need to let the court know. Other issues that
can and do affect custody determinations include the number and
frequency of romantic relationships and the epxosure of the
children to those relationship, the proper supervision of the
children, and ensuring that the children attend school and see
professionals such as a doctor and dentist when necessary.
10. Above all else, hire a good attorney and be open and honest
with your attorney. Listen to your attorney, not some friend or
relative who is sure about what you should do because they had a
friend or a relative who got a better deal. If you are paying
your attorney, listen to what he or she has to say.
About the author:
Jean Mahserjian is an attorney and the author of numerous
websites and books devoted to helping consumers through the
process of divorce. To download free excerpts from her divorce
and custody books, visit: http://www.millenniumdivorce.com